More than Love Itself
by quickand2thepointless
Summary: Love is not a contained emotion, and even when hidden, it touches everyone around it. Is Doumeki's way of loving enough, and will Watanuki find it in his heart to try and understand it? DouWata one-shot. Spoilery.


**A/N: **Having to take these long hiatuses for work is wearing on my patience, so I managed to work in a new DouWata fic in my free time. Yay! I had a lot of ideas floating around, but since it's me, I picked the angsty-est one in consideration as always. I swear I'll do some more fluff again eventually! As for now, enjoy some brood on brood DouWata!

**Rating: **T

**Spoilers/Timeline: **Spoilers... for pretty much everything, including some for the end of Tsubasa. Timeline begins with the wrap up of the twins' case and ends when Watanuki makes his decision about the shop.

**Disclaimer: **Characters are from CLAMP, story from me.

0o0o0o0o0o0o0

**More than Love Itself.**

"Thank you," Doumeki said, bowing his head with a dignified politeness. The girl he was speaking to looked like she knew what was coming next, and accordingly steeled herself. "Thank you, but I'm sorry."

_Sure you are, _Watanuki thought with a degree of bitterness. _It's not as if this same thing didn't happen to you yesterday, and won't happen again tomorrow._

"Shot down in flames," the other sister sighed tragically. "He rejected me, too."

Doumeki rejected a lot of people; this was nothing new. The sheer volume of confessions he received necessitated these polite refusals, although Watanuki was somewhat surprised he hadn't found at least one girl he liked. The college co-eds had seemed like decent candidates, and Watanuki would have welcomed his accepting one of them in order to narrow the playing field for Himawari. It still rankled him, though, that Doumeki was popular enough to warrant all the confessions and rejections, while he himself had only managed a recycled chocolate from a spirit on Valentine's Day and day late store boughts from Himawari.

"You don't already have a girlfriend, do you?" the older twin asked. "When we went out on those dates before, it seemed like you had someone on your mind. I thought it might be my sister, but..."

"I'm not seeing anyone," Doumeki responded, stealing a strawberry off the top of Watanuki's cake. "But there's someone I like."

"I thought that might be the case," both of the sisters said, but they were easily drowned out by Watanuki's loud "Ehhhhhh?"

"You weren't eating it. The strawberry."

Watanuki waved his hands back and forth. "That's not it. _You _have someone you like? As in, there's someone you would accept if they confessed to you?"

Doumeki chewed and swallowed the strawberry languidly. "That won't happen."

"What do you mean 'that won't happen'? You receive more love letters than someone as stupid and deadpan as you deserves!"

"Yeah. But I wouldn't from this person."

"That's too bad," the younger twin said. "But we'll be rooting for you, okay? For both of you. Even if we got turned down, we still think you're great!"

Watanuki faked a grateful smile until the twins had returned to the shop's counter. He turned back to Doumeki and lowered his voice. "It isn't... it can't be Himawari-chan!"

"Kunogi?"

"The one you like!"

Doumeki stared at him with a blank expression. "Idiot."

"Who's an idiot? Himawari's so wonderful you'd have to be an idiot not to like her. Not that I want you to!" Watanuki grit his teeth. "I won't let you confess to her."

"I wasn't planning on it." Doumeki started eyeing the remaining strawberry on Watanuki's cake. "Besides, if it matters so much to you, why have you never confessed to her?"

"I've just never found a good occasion, that's all."

Doumeki narrowed his eyes, and Watanuki quickly glanced away, his face turning a light pink. A thin excuse, and they both knew it. "Yuuko's always saying stuff about how Himawari-chan may not be the person meant for me, and that's she not my goddess of good luck," Watanuki muttered. "None of that matters to me, but... I think Himawari-chan might believe in that, too."

"So you realize that giving a person love in that way might not be what makes them happiest," Doumeki said. "Is that it?"

"Yeah. A little."

"That's what I decided, too."

"Oh." Watanuki wrinkled his forehead. When had Doumeki found the time to love someone that carefully? Maybe it really was Himawari-chan he was talking about, after all, but still...

_Must be nice, though, _he thought. He knew better than anyone that Doumeki had a strong conscientious streak hidden behind his blank exterior, and that though he was always calling Watanuki an idiot for his erratic behavior, he was the first to notice things like Watanuki being afraid of spirits in the movie theater or how important it had been for him to help the twins outside of the chains they had forged with their words.

To be loved like that probably felt really special. And maybe a little bit tiring at the same time. Doumeki was good at being needed by others, but he didn't seem to need very much else in return. Even the love of the person he cared about the most was something he could go without.

"Is that really the right way to do it, though?" Watanuki asked suddenly. "What about your happiness? Don't you want your love returned?"

Doumeki gazed back at him for a long time. "Yeah. But in the end, I think having that person safe and contented with their life is more important to me than anything else."

"Mmm." Watanuki suddenly felt guilty over his earlier internal criticism of Doumeki. "I guess I had no idea you felt that way about anyone. As long as it's not Himawari-chan, maybe I can root for you, too."

"You'll regret it," Doumeki said, stealing the second strawberry. "You really will."

0o0o0o0o0o0o0

"He was talking about you, you know," Yuuko said before taking a long puff from her pipe. They were sitting out on the _engawa _after dinner, indulging in a little moon viewing per Yuuko's request. She was already getting a little bit drunk, but her voice sounded as astute as it always did when she was discussing spiritual things.

"Hmm?"

"Doumeki. That time in the dessert shop."

"That? Why are you bringing it up now?"

A lot of time had passed since then. In all the chaos that had come with losing his eye, meeting Kohane-chan and discovering Himawari's true nature, he had for the most part forgotten that he had ever had such a conversation with Doumeki. He had never seen Doumeki interacting with a girl who was in someone held as special to him, so he'd simply begun to dismiss Doumeki's claims of having such a person as a way of letting the people he rejected down easy.

"I'm bringing it up," Yuuko said, "because you and Himawari have had your moment to consider each other's happiness and what limits are in it. Moving forward, it will be difficult for both yourself and Doumeki if you do not give equal consideration to his feelings for you."

"F-Feelings?" Watanuki dropped the cream puff he'd been eating into his lap.

"Who else would Doumeki consider to be someone he loved but could not make happy?"

"L-LOVE!?"

Yuuko rolled her eyes and blew smoke into his face. "You have noticed, haven't you? That he's been placing your safety and well-being as his foremost priority? Fighting for your eye, helping you learn that you must not vanish, defending you against Kohane's mother... surely even you couldn't have mistaken that for mere courtesy!"

"I..."

"You did, didn't you?" She set aside her pipe and looked down at Watanuki. "When a person loves someone else, the other party is always affected, even if they are never confessed to or aware of that love. We think by keeping our hearts to ourselves we prevent the involvement of another person, but our every action and thought touches that person regardless. Love is not a contained emotion. It moves freely and changes the people around it irrespective of deliberation or intention. This is why when it comes to Doumeki being in love with you, you are just much involved in it as he is."

"But that can't be true! There's no way Doumeki could possibly be in love..." He trailed off when Yuuko scowled at him. "And even if he is, it's not as if he's ever felt the need to say anything about it to me!"

"No, but you have benefited from it undeniably. He's saved your life and kept you here in ways that only he was able to do. Each was an act of love that has been firmly engraved within you." Yuuko gazed up at the moon. "He expects nothing from you, other than that you continue to live. He wants your love, but will never ask for it. But that want still exists, and even if both you and he choose to ignore it, it will still go on existing and changing you both. You may run if you like, but it would help you both if you seriously considered what you will choose to do now that you know the love is there."

"And what if I rejected him?"

"Knowing Doumeki, he would still continue on at your side. His love isn't dependent on yours; as I said, he honestly expects nothing from you as far is that goes."

"That's..." Watanuki clenched his hand into a fist. "How can that be all right? Doesn't that upset him?"

"I'm sure it does. But there are worse things in life, aren't there? Like you ceasing to exist. It's lonely being in love by yourself, but lonelier living alone without the presence of the one you love." She extended her hand to the moon, closing her fingers around it. "So lonely, that the wish to keep a person alive becomes stronger than anything. Stronger than even the feeling of love itself."

Watanuki looked up at the moon with her, the brightness of its light causing his eyes to water. That was the reason, he told himself, that deep within his heart he felt the distinct urge to cry.

0o0o0o0o0o

Himawari was busy with day duties the next afternoon, so they ate lunch with just each other. Watanuki unwrapped the lunches and poured them each a cup of green tea without once complaining about the situation as he usually did. There was a lump in his throat he couldn't quite shake. Yuuko's words echoed in his ears. Was he even now being influenced by a love he couldn't see? Had everything up until now been shaped by feelings he hadn't realized and couldn't understand?

"Is something wrong?" Doumeki asked before digging into his food. Food he could have confidence in, according to Haruka. Why was that? Could he truly taste some of Watanuki's intentions in it, and if so, what were these intentions? Watanuki rubbed his forehead. There was too much on his mind for something like this. He wanted to go home, lie down, and sleep until he forgot about everything.

"Is something wrong?" Doumeki asked again when Watanuki didn't answer.

"Are you lonely?" Watanuki asked. He felt the pressing need to get at least one of his concerns out there, even if Doumeki didn't have a clue as to what he was getting at.

"What?" Doumeki tilted his head. "You're here, aren't you?"

"Is... that enough?"

"Enough as it can be."

"What does that mean?"

"Exactly what I said."

Watanuki sighed in annoyance. "It would be troublesome for me, you know. If because of me you felt lonely."

"That complex of yours?" Doumeki said drily. "I didn't think it applied to males. Trust me, I'm not some damsel who needs soothing."

"I didn't say you were!"

"You could have fooled me." He surprised Watanuki by setting his bento aside and leaning closer. "I told you, if you tried to tangle yourself in this, you'd regret it. The only kind of love that I can give you where you'll be happy exists within protecting you. This side of my love-" he placed his hand on Watanuki's face "-won't make you feel anything."

Watanuki did feel something, though. It was a different sort of feeling, something more terrifying and potent than even having Himawari near. A soft tickle of breath against his face, the cool touch of skin that felt so very different from his own… each was in its own way moving, and he could feel his own body registering the sensation from deep within.

Doumeki narrowed his eyes. "You aren't resisting. You'll regret it."

"I don't know that yet," Watanuki said, swallowing deeply. "I honestly don't know anything. What's real, what's not, even who I am and what I feel... I'm not certain of any of that yet. But that doesn't mean... that doesn't mean I don't want to figure it out."

"Figure it out." Doumeki's expression flickered. "But if you try it and it disgusts you, I'll..."

"W-what are you saying. When have you been the type to give up so easily? I'm troubled, too, just as much as you!" Watanuki grit his teeth, reveling in this more genuine form of anger. "Himawari and I aren't meant to be together, and Yuuko's started talking like she's going to go away or something, and even if you say it's 'enough as it can be' and it doesn't bother you to be feeling this lonely, it bothers me, and if you think you're going to be staying by side in the future, you should at least let me try to-"

The hard press of a mouth against his shut him up. It was simply a peck, a brief touch before pulling away, but it was just enough for him to realize something new had happened. Another unexpected first had slipped away, taken in a different form than he had imagined it would be.

"You were rambling," Doumeki said, drawing a finger across his lower lip.

"Oh."

"Oh?"

"And you were… holding yourself back?"

"Wouldn't you hold back if you had something you didn't want to lose?"

"I see…" Watanuki cleared his throat. He was being treated too carefully here, and he hated it. Maybe that was why it had never bothered Doumeki that he had yelled at and refuted him in ways he never would a woman. He had treated Himawari and all the other women he knew with the exception of Yuuko like fragile porcelain, but he had never barred anything from Doumeki or coddled him in moments like this.

"How should I say this?" Watanuki said, shaking his head. "You remember when you first told me you had someone you liked?"

Doumeki nodded.

"I thought… it must have felt pretty special to be the person you loved that much. Special, but lonely. Because even if you try to hide it, it isn't hard to notice that you've been keeping down an important part of yourself for someone else's sake—for my sake." Watanuki stared down at his feet. "I think if it stays the way it is, it will get lonelier. For both of us."

He closed his eyes, and the cool hand returned to the heat of his cheek. A tired sigh tunneled into his ears. "I hope you understand what you're saying," Doumeki said. "You can't just say things like that and make a clean getaway afterwards."

"Everything has a price," Watanuki said softly. "I know."

This time when Doumeki's mouth met his, he gave himself over to the touch, trying to figure out all he could from it. He meant to think, to seriously consider each and every feeling that came over him so he could decide if this was love or just him acquiescing to someone else, but all he could focus on was the sweet taste on Doumeki's lips. He had forgotten the flavor of his own food, but here it was waiting for him, all of his tastes blended together with an altogether different one. Doumeki had taken and taken from him, filling himself up with the product of everything that meant the most to Watanuki, and now he was at last giving those intentions back, and giving of himself as well.

Watanuki, for the first time, felt full inside. He thought that if they kept on touching each other, he might slowly begin to burst.

"There," Doumeki said, pulling away. "If you didn't feel anything, you'd better just stop this now."

Watanuki pressed his hand against his lips, his eyes fluttering open. "I… wouldn't say I disliked it."

"Am I supposed to take that as a compliment?"

"You can take it how you want," Watanuki said, for once looking Doumeki straight in the eyes. "I don't know if what I feel is anything like what you do, but at least it's _something_."

0o0o0o0o0o0o

Doumeki stared at him like someone who'd been slapped across the face. Watanuki hated the rawness of the look in his eyes, but there was nothing he could do. _The wish to keep a person alive becomes stronger than anything. Stronger than even the feeling of love itself. Just because I'm stopping here doesn't mean you have to stop with me._

But Doumeki didn't know that. In his eyes, Watanuki was not stopping his time because of necessity or because of Syaoran or even because of the world he had not meant to be born into. He was stopping it for love, but not love for Doumeki. The relationship they had been trying to find together was being handed back to him, stamped with a polite _this was not for you, but for someone else. _Even in spite of everything that had happened between them, he could only see this as a gesture meant for Yuuko and Yuuko alone.

"So you're staying in the shop," Doumeki repeated, his voice unable to make the words sound fitting together. "Waiting. For however long it takes."

"Yes." _Because I can't vanish_, he added for his own benefit. _Because this world, this world you live in, is too precious to vanish. For that, there is no price too big to pay. You don't need to understand._

Doumeki sucked in his breath and clenched his fists. He looked like he wanted to punch a hole in the walls, but he held himself back. "Why?" he asked instead, placing all of his anger into his words. "Why is it always you? Why do you have to be the one who suffers?"

"This isn't suffering. Not really." He thought of Syaoran, and the pain he had born quietly on his shoulders, pain that belonged just as much to Watanuki. He thought of Clow and Yuuko who had staked everything on setting things right, of the other Syaoran and Sakura, of Kurogane and Fai. "And this time, I'm not the only one."

"What are you talking about?"

"Nothing. Just the future." He was already starting to sound like Yuuko, he realized. He wondered if it would be all right for him to not let go of the time she had not been supposed to have, or if he was only making things worse in the long run. Did it matter anymore? Yuuko was gone, and Watanuki needed to start learning to choose for himself from now on.

"Am I still a part of it?" Doumeki asked.

"Hmm?"

"Of your future."

"Is this the kind of future you want to be a part of?"

Doumeki went a long time without answering. "You're here, aren't you?" he said finally. "It's as enough as it can be."

"And so we're back to this again." Watanuki reached out a hand. "I want you to stay. Not just because I want someone here, but because it's you. Isn't that something more than we had before?"

It didn't take long for Doumeki's hand to find its way inside of his. He, too, could do nothing more than choose to keep Watanuki alive and safe, even if things were given up in the process. But this was not the way either of them had wanted. They had lost their way to a tidy end, and would have to make do with what the world and fate handed them.

Doumeki tugged him gently forward into his arms. He was still in his school uniform, and his body smelled of chalk and wood, familiar scents that Watanuki would no longer be a part of. He wanted his own scent to wash over all of it, to assure that no matter how often Doumeki had to leave and rejoin the real world, he would carry him through everything. Perhaps he would be losing another first tonight to Doumeki. He thought that might be exactly what he wanted, even if it was, in its way, painful for both of them.

"This feeling," he murmured into Doumeki's arms, "is more than enough. It's more than love itself. That was the lesson she taught to me."

"Hmm?"

"Nothing," Watanuki said with a smile. "But I didn't regret it after all, did I?"

0o0o0o0o0o0o0


End file.
